


Casual

by Kaye_21



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Casual Sex, Heavy Angst, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:15:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaye_21/pseuds/Kaye_21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carisi gets dressed quickly.</p><p>It’s no surprise. He didn’t even bother taking all his clothes off. He never does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Casual

Carisi gets dressed quickly.

It’s no surprise. He didn’t even bother taking all his clothes off. He never does.

Carisi just pulls down his pants and bends over the desk, his back turned to Rafael. Always. Carisi’s shirt stays on. Always.

Carisi’s shirt stays buttoned, too, save for the few times Rafael ‘accidentally’ rips open the lower buttons, the few times he 'accidentally’ runs his fingers up and down Carisi’s soft belly, pretending he’s only doing it to get a better grip, to push into Carisi harder.

That’s not why.

Rafael just wants to feel skin, sometimes.

He wants to feel closer.

It wasn’t always like this.

Rafael used to feel skin all the time.

For about a month, when this thing first started, for about a month it was all skin.

For the first month, Carisi would get totally naked. They would be in Rafael’s office, 'working’, Carisi 'shadowing’ him, and Rafael would just look up, and raise an eyebrow, and smirk, and that was all it would take.

Carisi would lock the door so fast Rafael’s head would spin. Carisi would get naked, in the blink of an eye, not a speck of clothing on him, and he’d do everything.

Carisi would get on his knees, he’d lie on Rafael’s desk, legs spread, he’d ride Rafael right there on the armchair, he’d drag Rafael over to the couch, to be more comfortable.

Rafael misses that month.

Now.

Back then, back then Rafael had 'concerns’.

Back then, Rafael thought Carisi was getting too attached. They’d only been screwing for a month, and Carisi was already beginning to look at him like it was more than just screwing.

Rafael had no intention of leading Carisi on.

Rafael knew it couldn’t go on like that. Not with Carisi, smiling at him all the time. Blushing in his presence. Winking when the others weren’t looking.

They couldn’t go on like that.

So Rafael made it clear.

Rafael made it clear, when a smiling Carisi once dared to say, “Call me Sonny, will you?”

Rafael made it clear, by responding, “No thanks, Carisi. Now get out of here. I have a date to get ready for. Thanks for helping me take the edge off, by the way.”

That was a lie.

Rafael regrets it now.

Rafael remembers the look on Carisi’s face.

Carisi was hurt.

Rafael’s first reaction was to worry. Rafael almost apologized immediately.

Rafael worried that Carisi, this young hottie who was way out of his league but too dumb to know it, wouldn’t want to sleep with him anymore.

Rafael almost apologized because he wanted to keep banging Carisi, he still wanted to be getting laid regularly, and if that meant sucking up to some annoying colleague, then he’d do it because he was horny.

Rafael didn’t apologize.

Rafael regrets it now.

Carisi lost his smile, but he didn’t put a stop to their escapades.

Carisi kept coming, every time Rafael texted.

Carisi still comes, every time Rafael texts, more than a year later.

Carisi still comes.

At first, Rafael attributed that to low self-esteem.

At first, Rafael thought Carisi was some young guy with daddy issues, some kid who knew Rafael didn’t give a crap about him, but kept coming because he didn’t understand he was worth more than that.

Wouldn’t be the first one of those to cross paths with Rafael. Those boys, they were always drawn to him.

It took Rafael over 6 months to realize that Carisi kept coming because he was in love.

One night, 6 months in, Rafael really did have a date. One night, Rafael really did use Carisi to take the edge off.

He wasn’t proud of it, but the guy he was dating at the time was really hot and they were finally going to have sex for the first time and Rafael didn’t want to embarrass himself.

Rafael could have jerked off, but why bother when he had Carisi at his beck and call?

So Rafael texted Carisi.

Used him.

Didn’t think anything of it.

Rafael was using Carisi for sex anyway. This was no different. Just because Rafael was going to have sex with someone else too, on that same night, it was no different.

Rafael’s phone rang, right after he and Carisi were done, practically as he was slipping out of Carisi’s ass.

Rafael answered.

He wasn’t proud of that, either.

Rafael answered, and smiled, and said “Yes, I’m ready,” and “I can’t wait to see you,” and “I’ve been looking forward to this all week.”

Rafael said all this while Carisi was naked and exposed. While Carisi’s back was flat against his desk. While Carisi’s legs were still spread, right in front of him.

Rafael remembers this look, too.

It wasn’t like the first one. It wasn’t a mix of hurt and disappointment, because a fling Carisi thought was promising was really just a fling.

This look was pain.

That was the last time Carisi got naked in Rafael’s office.

That was the last time they had sex face to face.

Carisi kept coming, every time Rafael texted.

Carisi was in love with him.

Carisi _is_ in love with him, still, and Rafael is taking advantage of it.

Carisi never smiles anymore.

Not to him.

Carisi smiles at Liv, at Rollins, at Fin, Carisi smiles at that asshole Dodds, even, but never at Rafael.

Rafael knows this has to stop.

It’s not fun anymore. Not for Carisi, and not for him. For Carisi, this is torture. For Rafael, it’s…

For Rafael, it’s torture too.

Rafael misses Carisi’s smile.

Rafael misses the way Carisi would get excited every time they had an excuse to be alone, eyes teasing, dimples everywhere, knees bouncing, until the others left, until they could get naked and touch.

Rafael misses those looks Carisi used to give him. Sweet. Caring.

Happy.

Rafael thinks about that first night, sometimes.

All the time.

Rafael thinks about Carisi’s eyes. They were so wide. Carisi was so surprised. So excited.

“I’d like it if you stayed.”

That’s what Rafael said, that first night.

After the others left. Carisi was the last one, standing and packing up all his post-its and his folders and his pens, because he always liked taking notes, like this wasn’t his job, like this was one of his classes.

“Do you need more help with the case?”

That’s what Carisi said, that first night. Carisi was clueless.

“No. Not with the case.”

Carisi still didn’t get it. Not until Rafael stood up too, not until Rafael walked over to him. Not until Rafael pulled him down for a kiss.

Carisi didn’t hesitate. Didn’t resist. Carisi kissed him back, immediately.

Rafael wishes Carisi had resisted.

Carisi didn’t resist.

Carisi grinned.

First thing, after Rafael pulled away, Carisi grinned.

“Thought you’d never ask, counselor!”

That’s what Carisi said, that first night.

He looked so eager. So happy.

That look, that look after their first kiss, Rafael will never forget it.

Rafael thinks about that look all the time.

Rafael doesn’t know when things changed for him. Maybe somewhere around the time they changed for Carisi.

Maybe it was the first time Carisi came back, a week after Rafael took that phone call while he still had a condom on, while he still had Carisi’s sweat on him.

Maybe it was the first time Rafael tried to kiss him again, only for Carisi to move away and start undoing his own belt. The first time Carisi braced himself against Rafael’s desk and said, “Don’t bother, I’m ready.”

Rafael feels guilty.

All the time.

But he won’t say it.

And he won’t stop.

Carisi might.

Carisi has been looking more and more sad. Rafael thinks Carisi will stop this. Soon.

Rafael doesn’t know what he’ll do when that happens.

Rafael is in love, too.

If he can call it that.

If he can call this love. These clandestine meetings in his office, after hours, Carisi face down, not even looking at him, both of them trying not to moan, both of them trying not to talk, if Rafael can call this love.

He can.

He does.

It is love.

Rafael can’t live without this. Without Carisi. It’s not even about the sex anymore. Rafael needs to be around him.

Rafael needs Carisi.

Rafael makes up excuses to go to the precinct. He makes up excuses for Carisi to come to his office. He makes up excuses to work with Carisi, even if they’re not alone, even if the others are there too.

It’s better if the others are there too. Then Carisi _has_ to talk to him.

When they’re alone, Rafael doesn’t even try to make small talk. Not anymore. He doesn’t dare. He just grabs onto Carisi’s hips and pushes inside. It’s a good thing Carisi won’t look at him in the eye. It’s a good thing Carisi can’t see his face.

When the others are there, Rafael can ask about Carisi’s progress in law school, as a joke. Rafael can ask if Carisi is seeing anybody, teasing, looking for all the world like a jerk mocking one of his colleagues. Rafael can ask about the cases, out of professional courtesy, he can ask if Carisi is okay after some of them end badly.

Carisi always answers, because he’s smart enough to keep up appearances.

That’s the only way Rafael gets to know anything about him.

Maybe that’s not love.

Rafael likes to think it is.

Carisi is fully dressed now. Ready to leave. Rafael managed to have a crisis of conscience in the time it took Carisi to put on his coat.

That’s love.

Carisi is almost out the door.

“Good luck tomorrow, Carisi.”

Carisi’s head turns, sharply.

Rafael shouldn’t have said that.

Rafael wanted to say it.

Normally he’d wait, he’d wait for a casual chat between colleagues, he’d wait for witnesses, for an excuse. But Rafael knows Carisi is taking the bar exam the next morning, Rafael knows he won’t get to see Carisi again before then, and he wants to wish Carisi good luck because, because he just does.

“Why do you do this?”

Carisi looks miserable.

“Huh? Why do you say these things? Why bother? Like we’re friends? Why can’t this just be… I mean, I’ve accepted it. I’m not proud. But I’ve accepted it. Why do you have to make it harder for me?”

Rafael bites his lip.

Rafael looks away, looks down, tries to pretend like he’s not affected.

This has to stop.

This can’t stop.

Rafael can hear Carisi exhaling.

“We can’t… I can’t, counselor. It’s… I can’t.”

Rafael’s eyes snap up, just as Carisi is reaching for the doorknob.

This can’t stop.

“Wait. Sonny, wait. Pleas-”

That stops Carisi in his tracks.

Carisi looks mad, now.

“Why the hell do you do this, Barba? _Now_ you call me Sonny? After a whole year? Why now? Because I was finally honest with y… No, you know what, I wasn’t. Now I’ll be honest. I love you. And you don’t, and I can’t.

“I can’t handle that. Not anymore. I’m sorry I let this go on for so long. That’s on me. I’m not blaming you for anything. Except these mind games you try to play on me, sometimes. But it doesn’t matter. You were clear from the start. I knew what this was. I was okay with it, and now I’m not. So we’re done.”

Sonny started off his little speech looking furious, and now he looks resigned.

He looks sad.

Rafael knows the feeling.

“I’d like it if you stayed, Sonny.“

Carisi nods. He remembers. He looks unimpressed by yet another of Rafael’s 'mind games’.

“But? You’d like it if I stayed, but?”

Rafael has no response. None that he’d care to speak out loud.

Carisi nods again, like he understands.

Rafael doesn’t know when this got so messed up.

Rafael doesn’t know when he lost the ability to be a grown-up. To be mature. To say what he wants.

To say what he feels.

Maybe he can still do that.

“I’m sorry, Carisi.”

That gets Carisi’s attention. Carisi looks like he believes it. He looks calmer, after that one phrase. Rafael is glad he didn’t say 'Sonny’ again.

“Yeah. Like I said, I’m sorry too, counselor. It’s okay. I’m sorry I blew up on you. We had a good run. Whatever… Whatever this was. The rest, it’s on me. But, you know, shit happens. It’s okay.”

“I love you too.”

Carisi’s mouth drops open.

And then it closes, and then Carisi turns around and reaches for the doorknob and he opens the door and he leaves, Carisi leaves, slamming the door behind him.

Rafael’s first reaction isn’t surprise. Isn’t despair.

Rafael’s first thought is, 'I hope I didn’t mess up his chances to pass the bar. I hope he’ll still be able to focus. He studied hard for this exam, he deserves to get his license.’

Rafael loves him too.

~ ~ ~

Carisi starts avoiding him entirely.

Carisi stops answering his 'casual’ questions.

Liv notices. Liv asks him, “Did you say something to Carisi again, Rafael? Come on. He’s a good guy. Don’t mess with him, okay? He looks up to you.”

Like Rafael needed more reasons to feel guilty.

Rafael doesn’t know how to make this right.

Carisi does.

Carisi slowly begins to act normal around him again.

Not normal for their standards, of course. 'Normal’ normal. Like Rafael is just another colleague.

Rafael pretends.

Rafael pretends that’s enough.

Carisi does pass the bar exam.

Rafael is happy for him.

Rafael worries, too. He worries that Carisi might leave, that Carisi might quit, that Carisi might go off and start a law practice somewhere on Staten Island and Rafael will never see him again.

It hurts to think about that.

It hurts.

Rafael is at the precinct. Carisi is on his desk, talking to Rollins, looking at baby pictures on her phone. Rafael knows that all he has to do is walk in their general vicinity and Rollins will call him over, to show off her baby girl.

Rafael walks in their general vicinity.

He’s not proud of it.

Predictably, Amanda calls him over. Carisi’s discomfort barely registers.

Carisi is good at pretending.

About two dozen pictures later, Amanda’s cell phone rings. Rafael is absurdly grateful. She excuses herself. Once she leaves, Carisi’s discomfort becomes much more obvious.

Carisi says nothing, he just smiles a tight smile, not a tenth as bright as his usual ones, and he turns to his computer.

“I hear congratulations are in order, Carisi.”

Carisi makes eye contact for a second, mutters a “Thank you.”

“What are your plans now? Are we going to lose you to some big law firm?”

Rafael’s smile is forced.

Carisi isn’t even bothering with a smile.

“Wouldn’t that be nice.”

No, Rafael thinks. No, it wouldn’t.

“No. It wouldn’t. You should stay here.”

Carisi makes eye contact again. For longer, this time.

Carisi leans in.

Rafael would relish in the proximity, he would relish in Carisi’s smell, a smell he misses so much, but he can’t, because Carisi looks detached. Cold.

It looks wrong. Carisi’s face isn’t supposed to look like that. Carisi is the friendliest person Rafael knows.

“I don’t know what you think you’re doing, counselor, but you can’t sweet talk your way back into my pants, okay? That’s in the past.”

Rafael nods.

“But you’ll stay, right?”

Carisi flinches for a split second.

“Yeah. I’ll stay.”

~ ~ ~

Months go by.

Rafael doesn’t know how to make this right.

He doesn’t know what it will take. He has fantasies, about making some grand gesture, about confessing his feelings, his love, even if it’s not love. He thinks it is, and that should be enough.

Carisi was just some annoying guy with a moustache.

How did this get so far?

Rafael doesn’t know.

It weighs on him.

He works, all the time, more than usual. He doesn’t date. Not anymore. Carisi probably does.

Rafael can’t go on like this.

Maybe it won’t be a grand gesture, but Rafael needs to be honest. Like Carisi was. Maybe that will help.

He doesn’t want Carisi back.

That’s a lie.

He does, of course he does, but that’s not the point.

Rafael wants to apologize. He wants to undo Carisi’s hurt, at least. Since he can’t undo his own.

Rafael texts Carisi, for the first time in forever.

That’s what he used to do.

Before.

A text, and Carisi would come running.

Rafael hopes Carisi will still come.

_'I want to talk to you. No mind games.’_

Rafael debates adding a 'for old times’ sake’ but decides against it.

_‘Please.’_

He adds a ‘please,’ instead.

Carisi comes.

Just like old times.

Carisi sits down, across from Rafael, and says nothing.

He’s waiting for Rafael to talk.

Rafael talks.

“I miss you.”

That’s not what he meant to say.

Carisi flinches.

Rafael is irrationally happy to see that. He’s irrationally happy to see that he can still have an effect on Carisi. That he can still hurt Carisi. He knows that’s cruel.

That’s love.

“This is you not playing mind games, counselor?”

Rafael talks.

“I’m sorry. I’m not a… I don’t do these things. I don’t talk. About feelings. I send texts, and people come. I go out, make inane small talk, pick somebody up and that’s it. I don’t talk. You were convenient. You were there, and you were hot, and you were clearly attracted to me, and you were an easy lay.”

Rafael worries, but Carisi doesn’t look offended.

Carisi looks at ease. This is the first time he’s looked at ease in Rafael’s presence in months.

“Now we’re talking, Barba. Finally. I’m glad. That’s the only reason I came here. I was hoping to air everything out. As long as we’re both honest, we can put this behind us for good.”

Rafael nods.

“My turn, okay counselor? I was into you. From the start. Back when you used to tease me all the time. So when you came on to me, it was like Christmas came early. I mean, I had a crush on you, you know?

“You made it clear, though, that this was just about getting laid. And I told myself that was fine. Not like I thought I actually had a chance with you, anyway.

"But I’m an idiot, so I still got attached. Working with you. Seeing all those cases, how they affected you. Seeing you talk to the parents, to the victims. I let all that, I let my feelings, my admiration, I let it all get jumbled up with our thing. I never should’ve done that. It was on me.”

Rafael wants to hear it again.

“What was?”

Carisi scoffs, but he doesn’t hesitate to answer.

“I told you. I loved you. For a long time. But it was on me.”

Rafael blinks.

'Loved’.

“And then, because I’m an idiot, like I said, I still tried to make it work. Just the getting laid part. Nothing more. And it worked, for a while, but then you started trying to be nice to me. Maybe 'cause you felt guilty, ‘cause you knew how I felt. Maybe ‘cause you didn’t want the whole thing to feel cheap, and that’s fair enough, but-”

“I wasn’t trying to be nice.”

“Okay. Friendly? It doesn’t matter, counselor. You were just asking casual questions to some guy from work you happened to be banging. Some people would call that being polite. I just couldn’t handle it because, you know.”

“Because you loved me.”

Carisi flinches again.

“Yeah.”

Rafael exhales.

“If you’re done, Carisi. You _were_ an easy lay. In the beginning. And I knew how you felt. Not at first. But later, later I knew.”

Rafael exhales again.

He can’t do this. He’s not cut out for this. He can’t rationalize this. He can’t offer some longwinded explanation. Not like Carisi just did.

Rafael just needs to get this out.

“I miss you. When you stopped kissing me, when you stopped talking to me, when you stopped smiling at me. I miss that. I miss you. I love you.”

Carisi closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose.

Carisi exhales.

Carisi exhales again.

Carisi opens his eyes.

Carisi looks wild.

“What is your problem? Why can’t you let this go?”

“Because I love you.”

Carisi laughs.

“Right. Okay. Well. It’s been great talking to you. For me, this is over. I’ll be perfectly happy to interact with you around the precinct, like none of this ever happened. Like we’re friends. I hope you do the same. I hope you stop your games, ‘cause I can’t be letting this bring me down, not anymore. Goodnight, counselor.”

Carisi stands up.

Rafael doesn’t know how to make this right.

“What can I say to make you believe me?”

Carisi stops.

“Believe what?”

“That I love you.”

Carisi shakes his head.

“What do you love about me, Barba? The way I came running, pants around my ankles, every time you texted me? That I kept coming, even though you were making dates with other guys in full view of my open asshole, because I was just that gone on you?”

It’s Rafael who flinches this time.

This has to stop.

Rafael takes a deep breath.

“Listen to me, Carisi. I don’t have an explanation. You said it. We need to air this out, so we can move on. You were honest. I’m being honest. I can’t make you believe me. I get it. That’s… Of course I can’t make you believe me. That’s fine.

“But I love you. That’s what I want to say.

“And I wasn’t trying to be nice. When I was asking you all those things. I wasn’t being friendly, or polite. I wanted to know. About your life. About you. I wanted to know more. Because you stopped telling me.

“You used to ramble on about everything. About your sisters, about your niece, about your friends from law school, about your cases, about what books you were reading, about the Mets.  About yourself. You used to tell me all sorts of random shit I cared nothing about.

“Constantly. Not even when we were alone. You’d ramble on, in front of the others. In my office, at the precinct, everywhere. Constantly. You used to talk constantly. And then you stopped. And I miss that.

“I’m not asking for anything, Carisi. Just what you said. Let’s act like we’re friends. Don’t cut me out. Don’t treat me any differently. Keep talking to me. Maybe smile at me, sometimes. That’s all.”

Carisi is staring.

This look is different. Rafael doesn’t know what it means.

“I believe you.”

Rafael nods. His chest feels lighter.

Carisi smiles at him.

It’s a start.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr [here](http://poipoi1912.tumblr.com/post/136830415876/casual).
> 
> Inspired by the prompt "I’d like it if you stayed" as linked in the above post.
> 
> This was yet another writing exercise. An attempt at a different perspective. I apologise if reading this causes you emotional distress. I hope you take comfort in the fact that writing it caused me even greater distress.
> 
>  **Edit:** I'm still iffy on a sequel, but I did write another version of a casual relationship between Sonny and Rafael, with a very different ending. Consider it a companion piece. It's [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5696695/chapters/13441525).


End file.
